Barroom Heroes - Top Boston Area Bars (by Jay Hale)

Now, I’m no headshrinker but when I step out on the town, I certainly suffer from demophobia — an intense dislike of crowds. At a ball game or a live show, I’m fine because there is always a focal point on which I can fix my attention. But when I’m at a bar, my focus tends to wander toward frat boys wearing polo shirts with their collars popped up or dorks showing off their new J. Crew turtlenecks. From there my anger redlines into crude put downs, death stares and occasional violence. What can I say? I’m not really a people person.

There are, however, a few great bars around Boston where the drinks are plentiful and the Jay-to-loser ratio is extremely low. Every magazine in town has its own little “Best of Boston” ass-grab where big-buck advertisers are rewarded with special certificates and huzzahs which, of course, result in the consumer being duped by America’s national pastime — Payola. We don’t get bars to advertise in Fat City. We wish we could, but, c’mon. Who cares about punk rock these days? Exactly.

The following establishments aren’t being repayed for filling our coffers all year, we really enjoy them and think you will as well. I’ve rated the best of the best right here in regards to five crucial categories:

Seclusion: Frat boys and other top of the social ladder miscreants hate putting forth an effort. If a cool place is hard to find, they’re probably not inside bugging you.

Dank: Do you want to drink in a place that’s so clean and sterile that you can lick the bar top and not contract Hepatitis C? If so, why are you reading Fat City?

Beverage Quality: The only way you can sacrifice beverage quality is ...

Price: ... If the price is ridiculously cheap.

Clientele: Is the establishment teeming with shaggy-haired, chest-bumping dudes in T-shirts and ties? Are you being served watered-down beer by a whore waitress whose Bedazzled mini-skirt barely covers her 42-year-old ass? This stuff is important people!

These four watering holes deserve your hard-earned dough and for that, they get the Fat City Seal of Approval. But, if you guys manage to muck up these joints with your stupid friends, prepare to get stomped. Ya dig?

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